Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Confidence! MANIC Style.

(NOT amused)

The company (or corporation, to be specific) I work for has decided to move the particular department I work in, along with several others, to Orlando, Florida. This (pause for three seconds and imagine me making a pondering hand gesture) is not ideal; mainly because I, as you may or may not know, am NOT in Orlando, Florida. I am in New York City. Not that they were OFFERING people in New York jobs in Orlando, but if they were I would sooner eat a bowl of Ke$ha's hair than move to Florida. They're keeping us until May and there are the standard consolation offerings so I do have some time to sort things out. It's not the worst way to get a new job if you have to do it...but I started working less than a year ago so I'm just feeling a little harrumphy about it all.

 I don't like job hunting. It causes my stomach to inefficiently allocate its resources and my sweat glands to over-produce. The only thing that causes me more stress than having an interview looming is not having any interviews set up. The only remedy is getting hired, and the only thing worse than not knowing whether or not you've been hired is getting that cookie cutter email or voice message informing you that they have gone another way (I like to imagine they've eliminated the job altogether in favor of a very fancy lizard terrarium) but they will keep you in mind and hope you will apply for future openings. How badly does an interview have to go, by the way, to NOT get this response if you don't get the job? Indecent exposure? Unwelcome physical contact? Deliberate destruction of the very fancy lizard terrarium? (Only one way to find out....)  It's all very inconvenient and generally disruptive to my growth as an individual. A few weeks ago I was just trying to figure out where the line is between legitimate annoyance and racism when you really are the only white person on your very crowded train and are all these short latino men really this oblivious or are they TRYING graze my chest with their knuckles every five seconds and why do so many full grown asian woman have tiny little baby voices? I don't have the luxury of wondering whether my reactions to these things are acceptable any more. Worrying about my future is my new train activity. Or it was until today when I decided that enough is enough. We all need to agree that I am great and stop entertaining the possibility that things are not going to work out. I say we because this is my new strategy; the assumption that everyone on earth is in agreement with my positive affirmations.

There is really nothing to lose by filling all of the empty space in my head with borderline delusional, Tori Spelling style, completely unsubstantiated confidence. It's not that I don't actually think I am capable and intelligent, but when it comes to finding jobs I am well aware that no matter how comfortable I am with myself there are a whole lot of reasons why someone might not want to hire me. In order to make it through the next few months without becoming paralyzed by the possibility of rejection I need to just think I'm the shit, say I'm the shit, and not FUCKING accept it when anyone suggests otherwise. If you're picturing me sitting in an interview smoking a cigar and laughing condescendingly when asked what my "weaknesses" are then GOOD.

Here is a list of assumptions that might be running through my head at any given moment and that I now assume everyone else is thinking (about me) as well:

- I am very good at everything I've ever done

- I am going to be excellent at everything I ever try

- I am just as good at anything as anyone else. I just haven't done it yet...whatever it is.

- I choose to be 12 pounds overweight because it's Victorian and classy. 

- (follow up) I have excellent willpower. I just don't need it because I am already awesome.

- I am the best looking person in this train car

- People are very impressed by the fact that I earned departmental honors in college

- Everyone is always actively excited to see me

- I am the best looking person in this Duane Reade 

- Everyone is interested in my stories about my experiences at a private ski academy

-  I get points right away for being in my 20s

- These bronze metallic jeggings are WORKING on me

-The following song is about me:

So all of these things are now emphatically true until I sort out everything else.  Having a sensible worldview is for cripples and ugly people and I do not have to put up with that shit. I am a winner and winners assume that everyone is on board with their nonsense. So you're all on board. Let the nightmare begin.