Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Flash In the Pan

Flash In the Pan
5/31/2016 4:16 AM

I only wanted more information. The face I met somehow wasn't human yet, just a vessel for the collection of sanitized anecdotes meant to impress me, or possibly to trick me, but I don't have enough information to establish motive, and I never will.  It was a kind enough face, I thought. Then it was over as quickly as I wanted to prolong the conversation. Because of that, I guess.

An emptiness settles when I return to my room. My eyes adjust to the softer lighting and my mirror reveals a clearer image, far from the fleeting glances I allow myself in the windows of parked cars and opening shop doors; sad and tired and a little bit manic. I rarely turn to face myself in public. Levinas said that the Face to Face "orders and ordains" us, but that was about the Other.  I'm here because I'm Other to myself. In solitude Time has no meaning. I set the alarm which will tell me when I have to return, and try again.

The weekend was filled with posturing for strangers whose fates do not concern me any more than mine concerns them. I want it to concern me, but I suppose really I want someone else to be concerned. How grossly self involved it feels to be lonely sometimes. It should feel quite brave to care for someone who can't or won't return the favor, but mostly it feels like failure. And Is it a favor? Is caring more for me or The Other? Levinas said It's a matter of Ethics. "To give of myself and serve the Other is the only way to enter Time", but he never said they would want to come with me.