Sunday, April 27, 2014

Top Ten Reasons To Swipe Left on Tinder

After my last round of online dating via OKCupid, as described a few posts ago, I was feeling pretty done with the whole process. Thanks to the encouragement of friends and co-workers, though, I decided to give Tinder a try. I signed up a day before Valentines Day, partially because I was very curious as to what kinds of desperation (and it's predatory counterpart) lurks on the amorous interwebs on this most ridiculous and emotionally charged of days.

 As opposed to OKCupid, which makes users set up a profile and answer questions, Tinder is an app which links to your Facebook and mostly only shows pictures. You can write a short description, and it will show you if you have friends in common, but otherwise you have very little information. You choose YES or NOPE to people by either swiping their picture, or choosing X or <3. If you like someone and they you, then and only then, can you message them. Or they can message you. Or not.

I've since stopped actively using this app, so I figured now would be a good time to muse on the experience.

First of all, the act of swiping is very addictive. I swipe very selectively so when I DO swipe "yes" to someone, and the little "It's a Match!" message comes up, it is extremely satisfying, like I've won something. So whether or not you have any intention of meeting anyone I highly suggest that everyone have this app because it is highly amusing. I did meet a few people off of the app, and actually they were all very nice. I didn't get any "so when are we gonna fuck?" type situations and I even made a couple of friends. With OKCupid there is more pressure for every meeting to be a DATE, where as with Tinder it's more like "so we agree we don't hate each other's faces. Let's now agree to be at the same place at the same time and see what happens".

For those actually trying to use this app to get their jollies, I imagine the most effective tactic is to right swipe (say yes to) anyone who looks remotely appealing. I have a slightly more thoughtful approach, as  I have no interest in receiving messages from even the most beautiful assholes.

Here are a list of things which will automatically disqualify a person from my favor NO MATTER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE:

1)-Main picture has a girl, or a group of girls in it who doesn't look like someone I want to be friends with
By doing this, I assume these gentleman are saying "this is the caliber of lady I am looking for. Those who deviate from this basic mold need not apply". I know not everyone thinks this way, but I don't have anything to lose from assuming they might.

2)-All pictures have multiple people in them
I ain't got time to cross reference and figure out which one is you. Also I have no interest in anyone with a brotastic lifestyle

3)-More than one picture taken at what looks like a blacktie networking event.
NO NO NO NO NO.  Not impressed.

4)- Main picture is on a boat
I don't like boats enough to spend time with someone who obviously likes them so much that this is their main picture. This is NYC, not Miami.

5)-Multiple travel/hiking photos
Read: things this person won't shut up about

6)-Main picture in sunglasses
You might not have eyes

7)-Main picture is a professional one taken at any kind of red carpet/ launch event

8)-Main picture is taken with a collection of multi-ethnic children
Oh, Common. Stoppit.

9)-Main photo is shirtless. Even if you're at a picnic or on a beach.
I don't want to see your stupid torso. 

10) On a Bike or Running in any  pictures
I'm worried you might ask me to do either of these things with you. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Things I Thought On The Toilet

The following is a very half-baked analogy that I thought up on the toilet. I've had writers block lately so I'm taking what inspiration I can get at this point.

Breakups are a lot like pooping. Hear me out.

A really healthy breakup ends with no hard feelings. You feel relieved and productive and ready to move on with your day. #healthybm

A somewhat uncomfortable breakup leaves you feeling like you wasted a lot of time, and are now left with a sore bottom and although you're feeling relieved, you've still got some healing to do before life can proceed as normal. #constipation

A terrible breakup seems to lasts forever and you're never 100% sure the nightmare is over #diarrhea.

A perfect breakup is when you die before it happens. #ifyouneverpoopyouwilldie

I know this doesn't all exactly scan, because in this analogy one person in the relationship is a person and the other is a lump of feces and I am aware that this is not how we should ever view our loved ones. Also did I just imply that a relationship that lasts forever is the same thing as never pooping ever? It's possible. I might need to go on some kind of writers retreat...