Thursday, December 15, 2011

Things I Know Nothing About Episode 4: The Psychological Differences Between Men and Women

 I was an English major, not a Psych major, and most of my references about the baseline cultural understandings of the difference between men and women come from sitcoms, stand-up comics, and most recently Gossip Girl (this is my example of ways in which popular culture may be misleading when it comes to normal dynamics between men and women.) I am not going to go into things such as the Psychological reasoning behind why men are less monogamous than women. To say that men are designed to spread their seed is A) Completely fucking obvious and not worth thinking about and B)Irrelevant, because it is also completely fucking obvious that the human race has created a world for itself in which evolutionary incentives are meaningless. I will give heed to the excuse that men cheat because they are designed to once someone can explain to me why men find Taylor Momsen attractive.  I am going to talk about what I know and think without doing any research, as usual, and because I am college educated and fond of my own opinions you may be tempted to take some of my assertions as truths...probably because I present them as such. By all means, agree with me. I am a remarkable individual and I am usually right about most things. Just don't quote me in any papers.

I am pretty sure that everyone is crazy but me, but I do occasionally make efforts to empathize with the maladjusted masses. When it comes to gender relations, it so happens that my personal experiences do not substantiate most of the commonly accepted theories about men, women, and their interpersonal relationships. I tend to think that either people are capable of handling relationships in a sensible way or they are not. Anyone who says things like "Chicks are crazy" or "men are pigs" are actually just people who don't pick their company very well. This reflects more on the person willing to make such sweeping generalizations than it does on the gender to which they are assigned. I believe that evolution did not prepare humanity well for the society we have created with our big wonderful brains.  The female minds of the world may trend in congruent patterns as do the mens', but a person capable of recognizing the humanity in the opposite sex should never feel like he or she is dealing with a different species. Occasionally a person of the opposite sex will be completely batshit insane, but it is equally insane to equate one person's actions to an entire gender.
Note: As an English Major I am well acquainted with Feminist  (literary) Theory, Queer (literary) Theory, and the general idea that to acknowledge gender differences in writing is to reinforce stereotypes which is basically equivocal to oppressing every single person on the planet for the rest of their lives. I'm not really on board with that line of thinking but I can respect the delicacy of the matter so I try to be cognizant of it when it occurs to me to do so. So, I understand the potential implications of only discussing heterosexual gender relations and I apologize in advance if anyone out there feels that this post is banishing them into the abyss of Otherness. The thing is that I am a straight, straight up woman and I have never had any confusion over any of that so it really wouldn't be appropriate of me to try to discuss homosexual or transgender psychology, especially since I barely know what I'm talking about in reference to straight people.
 All that being said, I would like to present my ideas in a series of "case studies".

#1 John Mayer

 I don't know John Mayer. I actually haven't bought any of his albums since Continuum and I'm not really sure what he's up to these days other than dating country singers and getting bad haircuts. For whatever reason though, I have formed some distinct opinions about him which I believe to be relevant. Here is what I think I know about John Mayer: He is a good musician and kind of an asshole. He was on Chappelle's show earlier on in his career. He dates women who are notorious for not being able to stay in a relationship. He is pretty tall. 

John Mayer is a good guitar player and a decent song writer. I don't care for him all that much because I find his music to be emotionally manipulative and although I sometimes feel a catch in my throat while listening to "Daughters", I consider his music a guilty pleasure. Obviously some women eat that shit up, though. More surprising is that a number of men eat it up too. Straight men, too. They  tend to be image-conscious amateur musicians who claim to respect his guitar playing. There are plenty of good guitar players, though, and I always get a kick out of a guy who spends hours at the gym and runs home to listen to lyrics aimed at teenage girls. As far as emotionally manipulative pop music goes John Mayer is not so bad, and because he has a reputation that contradicts his sappy lyrics, men are more willing to admit to liking him. My point, I think, is that men and women are equally receptive to emotional manipulation, but women are more willing to admit it in public because it is socially acceptable. I am not saying that all men secretly like John Mayer. I just think what works on ladies who like his style of music works on men who like his style of music too.

Conclusion: All men who like John Mayer are huge sissies. Just kidding.
 #2: The Year I lived With 5  Boys

I lived with 5 boys my Junior year of college. One of them was/is my boyfriend and none of what I am about to say is based on his behavior. 
Everyone told me that I would hate living with boys, and that definitely turned out to be true, but not for the reasons I was expecting. I knew that boys are smelly and that sticky surfaces don't seem to bother them. I like a good organizational/cleaning spree as much as the next girl but I don't live my life in fear of dirt and errant socks so I was prepared to cope with the mess. The alternative at the time was moving in with a house of girls who I had never met and the potential for disaster seemed a lot higher. What I wasn't expecting from the house of boys was that they felt completely entitled to have parties every weekend even when one or more of the housemates had to work early in the morning and even though the parties almost always invited a noise violation. To them, the noise violation was a sign that the cops were dicks who were looking to make money on violation penalties. To me, the noise violations were a sign that we had neighbors who didn't appreciate the hundreds of college kids screaming and smoking cigarettes in our driveway and maybe that was a concern worth considering. This dynamic was my biggest problem with our living situation, and although some of the offensive behavior was a direct result of a phallocentric thought process, the lack of consideration for others is not a distinctively masculine trait. It is a trait of anyone with their head up their ass and that condition can afflict pretty much anyone at any time.
As a case study, my roommates presented with some interesting patterns. I know enough guys who are nothing like my roommates to know that any conclusions I draw from their behavior are essentially meaningless, but I also know that many of their issues are fairly wide spread.
The most disturbing thing I observed was that several of my roommates seemed incapable of recognizing the humanity in women. Women were an entity that were there to be slept with or maybe even dated, but not necessarily valued for their company. Mind you, I don't think my roommates were sexist, necessarily. I think they were just so used to the idea that women were going to reject their advances that they had come to view women as a challenge that required scheming and fancy tricks rather than, perhaps, normal conversation and the expression of affection. They seemed to replace every female they met with the most basic idea of GIRL, and then complained when this female entity proved to be more complex than previously hoped. A common phrase in our apartment, and this is a cleaner version of what was really said, was "Man we gotta get some chicks in here tonight." Parties would be designed around this goal, the idea being the more girls in the apartment the more likely it would be that one of them might debase themselves. This actually does work. I really can't argue with the numbers. However, it seemed like a pretty exhausting, not to mention expensive, cycle. Here is how it all works based on my observations:
Pre-requisite: You are a man. You live with other men. No one is having any sex with you. This is a problem
1)Plan Party. You might have a friend who is/has a very mediocre dj/band who is willing to play in return for free beer and the potential of women. Call him.

2) Call your female friends( if you have any) and tell them to tell their friends about the party. Tell them there will be booze and it will be free for girls even if you haven't discussed any of this with your roommates, are not 21, and have no money.
3) Ask you roommates to "throw down" for a keg and/or liquor. If you are not 21, go ahead and assume that someone will be willing and able to pick this up. Don't ask them yet. Wait until the last minute and then accuse them of ruining the weekend if they try to refuse.
4) Once you feel like at least 3  girls might be coming, go ahead and tell some guys. Say something like "Hey man it's $5 at the door but it'll be wall to wall chicks!".
5) Argue with your roommates for several hours about who will be in charge of manning the door/watching the keg/mixing drinks. Try asking your female roommate who hates all of your parties. She won't do it. Assume that things will work themselves out and worry about it later.
6) Procure alcohol. Convince whoever you tricked into helping you do this that you will pay them back with the profits from the party.
7) Help the dj/band set up. This will be difficult because they will already be completely drunk.
8) Wait for the first wave of people, which will always be a herd of really ugly dudes. Be nice to them. They're doing the best they can.
9) Eventually a girl will show up. Bother her until she is so uncomfortable that she calls her friends and tells them not to come.
10) Drink away your sorrows. Forget that you are supposed to be getting money from people at the door and making sure not too many dudes get in.
11) Too many dudes have gotten into your party. No one has paid. Everyone is upset. Everyone is drunk. No one has any sex.
This isn't all based off my roommates. They were actually pretty good about money but I've seen this dynamic at work elsewhere. It is a distinctly male dynamic because women do not usually have problems filling their apartment with men if they need to. The only girls I have ever known who are willing to throw keggers where they live have been pretty skanky. Not that I have a problem with that. I have found that promiscuous women, at least the ones you find at college, are usually pretty smart and funny. Just don't go drinking with them unless you have a backup plan. They will usually abandon you with very little notice.
Sex motivates both men and women but failure can really mess with a persons morals. Because men have a higher rate of failure in their efforts then they quickly spiral downward into the realm of skeezyness. Or they were there to begin with. But most guys who start out skeezy just skip the middle man and join a frat. Women, on the other hand, knowing about this spiral effect, will sometimes use sex to manipulate and torture men who don't have many other options. I am willing to make statements about why men do the icky things that they do because I am not a man and I know that my attempts to empathize will never be dead on. Because I am a woman I really can't say why some women treat relationships like a military coup. My best guess is they are under the impression that men and women can never really have a healthy, reciprocal relationship so they figure they might as well have the upper hand. Bitches, man. I just don't know.

#3 Other People's Failed Relationships

I am the product of an unbroken home. I guess that's not so common these days. No one in my house ever stomps around saying horrible things about entire genders. All insults hurled in my house are directed at the individual and carefully tailored to his or her many shortcomings. That is the way it should be. Expressed animosity is the cornerstone to a happy home as long as that animosity is specifically articulated and appropriately directed. So you'll have to excuse me if my understanding of why relationships fail is a little sketchy. By failure I mean ending on bad terms. If you date a person who wasn't a good fit but you end up friends then I consider that a successful relationship. I have remained on good terms with all of the people I've dated.Although, a boy I went on two dates with when I was 16 recently unfriended me on facebook. We hadn't spoken in quite some time, so I can only assume he has a girlfriend who finds my beauty threatening and demanded that he unfriend me. I also assume that everyone I've ever dated talks about me all the time. I might have an ego problem.


When people are in a relationship and have supposedly been in love, and then breakup and hate each other, there are usually a few things going on given that no one cheated on the other person or purposefully killed the other's pet or turned out to be a Russian spy. The first condition tends to be that the couple is into really gross PDA. I only say this because I don't like to pry into people's love lives so if I knew the couple was "in love" it was probably because they were trying really hard to make that obvious. Secondly, both people have jealousy issues and a fear of being alone. These are people who make people come with them to the bathroom or can't get a burrito without some backup. Lastly, they hate each other's friends and therefor get mad whenever the other person wants to spend time with their friends. 2 or more of these conditions in a relationship is an almost unavoidable recipe for combustion. If you yourself have any of these issues then I would really suggest that you seek therapy. 
Here is what I have observed (meaning assumed) are the differences between the way men and women handle themselves in these kinds of relationships:

-The man will refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem while the woman will start making up problems that aren't related. Man: "I don't see what the big deal is. Get off my back." Woman:"You never kiss me goodnight anymore!"

-The man will see his friends out of spite without telling the other where he is while the woman will see her friends out of spite and keep calling/texting the man to purposefully rub it in his face.

-The man will suspect every man in the woman's life wants to sleep with her. The woman will assume that the man is attracted to every woman in his life.

-Both people will claim to have sacrificed for the other but neither one actually has.

My conclusion is that men and woman are different but it doesn't matter if you are a crazy person. It makes no sense to blame your relationship problems on the other person's gender traits unless you are thinking about switching teams.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Shapewear, Headbands, and Other Bad Ideas on a Friday Night

Shapewear, Headbands, and Other Bad Ideas on a Friday Night
Three hook and eye closures stand between  my very full bladder and the toilet. I hike up my unforgiving sequined miniskirt and contort into a stance usually reserved for heavy lifting. My four inch platform ankle booties actually provide some helpful leverage, but balancing (as I grasp at my groin with increasing urgency) quickly becomes problematic.  I silently give gratitude that this particular bar has a private bathroom and with one flamboyant maneuver, finally release the bra style closure at my crotch.
The body shaping onesy with the "freedom release bottom" had seemed like such a good idea in the store. I usually stay away from such items because they're uncomfortable, inconvenient, and I don't really need them, but something about this product spoke to me. It was at a discount overstock clothing store out in the boonies of northern central Vermont at which I have made many fine purchases over the years. I felt the warm inner-glow of a bargain well found as I pushed my items over the counter to the dour cashier. The black sequined mini-skirt was both playful and edgy without being too super short. The sequins were cut into little rectangles which were only sewn on the top so they hung and jangled about like chunky tinsel. Although the tags were cut out I was able to glean from the care label that it was originally sold by Forever 21. The "Sliminizer" ("Oprah's Shapewear!") was a leotard of sorts in a rich brown with a flattering plunging neckline and the aforementioned bra-style closure at the crotch. "Only $12?," I thought in my special head voice reserved for frenzied deal hunting, "Why not? And $9 for the skirt??!! No need to try these on! Let's buy them NOW!" And so I did along with several other less exciting but more practical items.  I brought my treasures home and squirreled them away for the perfect debut opportunity.
Tonight I am out in the very hip town of Montpelier, Vermont. For those of you not familiar with Montpelier, that was a sarcastic remark. The bar is one that would like to consider itself upscale but seems to be full of sock-footed, noodling hippies most of the time. The occasion is my role as a "special guest vocalist" at my father's musical engagement (otherwise known as a "gig" to all the hepcats out there). I have my shapewear on over some rockin two-toned tights with my black mini and a purple silk blouse with slightly poofed sleeves and a jaunty tie at the neck. I actually curled my hair a bit and am wearing a headband with a broad silver bow  fastened to it.  To be honest, I look awesome. As long as I stand upright and keep my range of motion limited, that is. The construction of the skirt, it turns out, may be of questionable integrity. The sequins are  sewn onto a flimsy non-stretch fabric which makes the garment almost impossible to move in or get over my hips in either direction. My headband is giving me a headache but if I remove it my meticulously designed hairstyle will be ruined. The shapewear, while not entirely uncomfortable and doing a bang-up job of flattening my tummy, constricts my bladder.  I have to pee about 30% more frequently and  doing so is about 300% more difficult.
Which brings me back to the bathroom stall where I have now relieved myself and am faced with the task of refastening the three hook and eye closures which are so difficult to line up you would think they were magnetized against one another. Finally, at least one of the closures pops into place, which is good enough for me at the moment, so I straighten up triumphantly and coerce my skirt back down over my butt. I emerge quietly  into the dim-lit room and take solice in knowing that no one ever has to know what just went on, and what will go on at least 3 more times before the end of the night. I could take the garment off, I suppose, but I am determined to get my $12 worth.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Doodles #2

I have returned from my little hiatus. In the past week or so all I've really done is work, hang out with a dog, and start watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. I am thoroughly regretting that last one. Now I have to finish. Anyhow I'm feeling uncharacteristically unimpressed with my own thoughts today, to here are some little doodles I collected from my station at work. I tell myself as long as I draw ski-related things then it isn't really slacking off.
This weekend I start training to be a waffle maiden. This isn't s actually what they call people who do my job but I've anointed myself with the title for my own amusement. My days off will be dwindling down to just 1 or 2 a week soon so please forgive me if my blogging becomes less consistent. More doodle posts can be expected. I'll do my best to come up with interesting things to rant about.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Things I Know Nothing About Episode 3: American Football

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and in light of recent scandalous events, I think it's time I talk about American football. I'll tell you right now that I don't care for it, which I'm sure is not surprising due to my gender. It should be noted as well that I am an American soccer fan, which means a few things right from the start:
A-I call it Soccer, but I still resent the fact that American Football is called Football.
B- I don't actually follow soccer that closely because I don't have cable and I'm too lazy to pursue such things online.
C- I do not find American football players even remotely attractive.
My experience with American Football is limited. I sometimes watch the Super Bowl, mostly because I like an excuse to eat chicken wings and pizza at the same time, but the idea of making that a weekly habit is really pretty disgusting. I've never been able to actually sit through a game because I find the amount of stopping and starting really annoying and even at the best moments I find the action dull. I know that the players are big and strong and a few of them can run fast and throw far and jump up in the air to make catches, but I am generally unimpressed by what goes on in football. In soccer the best players are always finding new and clever ways to get around their opponents. People do unexpected and brilliant things to get the ball in the back of the net. In football the most interesting thing that ever happens might be that a man holds and ball and doesn't get knocked over by the other men. It is a feat of physical strength but when was the last time someone did something fancy and intelligent? Could have been yesterday seeing as I don't watch football but I guess my point is that the options available to football players don't leave a lot of room for personal creativity. Maybe someone will devise a neat play but the basic moves on an individual level are pretty limited. Throw. Catch. Run. Block. Occasionally kick. Sometimes dance. If you are a football fan please refrain from sending me a description of what actually goes on. I could look that up myself. Obviously I have no interest in filling valuable  storage space in my brain with such nonsense.
So that's my feeling about American football generally, as a sport. Now let's talk about the oddity that is College football. My college did not have a football team. Well, we had a club team that would probably yell at me for saying that, but c'mon seriously we don't have a football team. We have a pretty big deal of a hockey team but their presence isn't particularly pervasive on campus. I happily ignored the UVM athletic department for my 4 years there as well as the additional year I spent in Burlington. They're really only a big deal for people who care about Hockey. Colleges with big deal football teams seem to have a bit more of a "mania" factor coming into play. 
This American Life recently had a show in relation to the child rape scandal at Penn State where they interviewed some current students and community members as well as replayed some interviews they did in 2009 when Penn State was ranked as the #1 party school in the country. The impression I got was that a lot of people who have some desperate need to feel like they are a part of something bigger end up at these kinds of schools. Of course there are people who are there to learn and just take that electric sports buzz in the air as an added perk, but it seems like its just not somewhere you go if you're not planning on being into football. Surely not every  girl in leggings and a hoody*  who partakes in tailgating actually gives a shit about football. I get it. Drinking and screaming can be fun. You could also be doing better things with your time, though, and when an entire student body is wrapped up in the success or failure of the team it seems like a morale catastrophe would always be lurking around the corner. Now, if someone on your teams coaching staff has been raping boys in the locker room and the rest of the staff seems to display some amount of ambivalence about this, I can imagine that it would pretty much run the educational end of things into the ground. It all makes sense. However, the fact that a school can operate in this way is (and I think this is becoming my new catch phrase) completely fucking stupid. 
I know that football makes a lot of money for these schools and funds other programs. I know that football fan alumni donate lots of money. To challenge the supremacy of football at a place like Penn state is to bring on a whole world of trouble. Isn't it just a little silly though that American public universities make a habit of undermining higher education in the name of a sport that NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD CARES ABOUT? If we were still America, Lord and Master of Universe, I wouldn't take issue with the college football system, but obviously we are not. We could be trying a little harder to make our college educated population a bit more...competitively intelligent. 
I didn't go to a sports centric school, but I did go a public university and I got the impression that the administration didn't really care how smart it's students were . College could have been more challenging and I would have figured it out. I was grateful that I only had to take one math class but I wish I had the option of taking more math without it potentially affecting my GPA. My opinions on education are an entirely different and time consuming subject though. This is football I'm talking about and it just seems like a silly thing to make a priority of when we as a country are perceived as being a bunch of dum dums. The Ivy League is obnoxious as fuck but its students, who are not necessarily any more capable of learning than any other student, do tend to be more motivated to retain their elite intellectual status. All college students could (and in my opinion, should) carry that attitude, but football works against an intellectually driven lifestyle. Furthermore, because football is so tied in with mainstream American culture, and because mainstream America views intellectual elitism in a
negative light, the institutionalization of football fandom at the University level is a pretty backwards system. But that's just the opinion of a person who doesn't care about football. I'm sure all you superfans could offer precise and intelligent rebuttals to my assertions. Or you would tell me to go fuck myself and then order Dominos. Both are perfectly valid responses.
*Leggings and a hoody with nothing covering your butt is not cute. You don't look super casual and easy going. You look like your thought process was "well I want to be comfortable but I still want grimy dudes to look at my butt."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Boston, New York, and Kowloon

Here is how My long weekend went:

Woke up at 6 expecting to leave for Boston by 7:15 with my Mom and Dad. Turned out to be more like 7:38.
Manned the passenger seat and DJ responsibilities.
Hit some nasty traffic but arrived at our hotel in Woburn, Mass at around noon.
Picked up my sister at her loft in Everett and proceded to Ikea. This is where I lost track of all senses of time and reality in general. Ikea will do that.
Went back to Everett because there was too much traffic to make it all the way back to Woburn and into Boston by 7:30 for my sister's senior concert/project/performance at Berkeley. Played with cats until it was time to leave.
More traffic. Helped my sister carry things. Hung around the main lobby reading posters and looking like a tool for an appropriate amount of time.
Concert 7-30-8:15ish. Very good.
Back to Everett. Champagne, etc...
Here's where things get interesting. We went to dinner at Kowloon in Saugus, Mass.  Kowloon is described by Wikipedia as America's largest Asian dining complex. The menu has nearly 300 items including all kinds of Chinese, Sushi, Thai, American, and Italian. It is enormous and there are fountains and a boat and in the boat there was a band and what appeared to be some kind of highschool dance. So we were sitting there listening to this really cheesy cover band playing such numbers as "White Flag" by Dido and "Play That Funky Music" and watching a bunch of highschool kids dancing as if they didn't realize they were in the middle of a 1200 seat dining facility. It was surreal.  This from Wikipedia "Diners can choose from a number of themed dining rooms including the Volcano Bay Room, the Tiki Lagoon, the Mandarin Room, the Thai Grille, or the Hong Kong Lounge. Private events and a comedy club use the Luau Room". Also there was a Trivia night going on. It was loud and the food gave me a pretty wicked stomach ache but it was an experience worth having.
We got home at around 11 and I plugged in my phone which was almost dead from trying to take video (did not come out) and went to bed.
I woke up at 6 because my bus was scheduled to leave at 8:30 from South station and I didn't realize that were were really only 10 minutes away.
I got dressed, packed up, and promptly left my phone charger in the wall before we left the room. I wouldn't realize this til later.
We ate our horrible continental Breakfast and departed for the station. We arrived at about 7:15.
There is nothing to do in South Station so I sat and played with my phone for a while.
I was the first in line for my bus and I had booked well in advance so I had a high boarding number. I only had a small bag so I was the very first to board and sat near the front of the bus where I wouldn't get sick.
It was an express bus, but somewhere in CT we stopped at a Burger king for 15 minutes. I stayed on but almost everyone else got off and came back with Cheeseburgers. I will eat fast food when I feel like it, but I was slightly car sick so the smell of 30 Jr. Whoppers didn't quite agree with me.
I made it to NYC without incident, though, and my lovely boyfriend was there to greet me.
We hopped a subway to the Upper West Side and I dropped off my stuff, called the girl whose apartment I was going to see, and then we went to a late lunch at a diner.
I was set to see the apartment, Which was on Lexington between 100th and 101st Street at 4:30 which meant busing it cross town from 96th street and then skipping over a few blocks.
The apartment and the girl were both nice enough and I love the location but it's still up in the air if the apartment will actually be available in the spring. I felt very proactive and adult for having set up the meeting in the first place.
I walked on 96th street for a while before realizing (meaning that I called my boyfriend he told me) that the cross town bus running E-W leaves from 97th street because it's 1 way through the park. Hey, I'm not a New Yorker yet. I'm still learning.
When I got back we went to the Whole Foods on Columbus and picked up some ingredients for Stir Fry.
We made and ate dinner.
We watched Inception on demand. I hadn't seen it before but I was tired from traveling and I kept falling asleep and waking up confused.
We went to midtown for lunch and some light shopping. I made a huge mess trying to eat soup dumplings and Phil made no mess at all and I felt stupid.
It was a beautiful day so we walked back uptown through central park and coveted other people's dogs.
We had dinner,enjoyed some downtime, and then went out for a drink at Dive Bar.
Our first round of beers were really terrible. The second round was better. We ate chips.
My train was at 11:30 and I needed to buy snacks and a new phone charger so I could listed to Bossy Pants by Tina Fey on the train so we got there at 10:15ish. This was way too early. The track number didn't post til about 11:31.
I spent 9 hours on a train. My audio book only lasted 5.5 hours. I developed a terrible headache and didn't eat anything for the entire ride.
I got into Waterbury at about 8:20. I had told my parents 8:30 so I waited for a bit.
I got home at around 9 and ate several servings of Pasta, watched episodes of Parks and Recreation and Community and fell asleep.

Ta daaaaaa.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Phone blog

I'm blogging from my phone tonight because I've already
Sat down in front of the tv and I really
Don't want to get up. Enjoy some pictures from my phone. They're all of my dog. Except for one...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Problem Chronically High Self-Esteem

I have a sticky note on my computer at work that says "Do you KNOW that?". The reason for this sticky is that I have a habit of presenting information as truth that I haven't actually double-checked. This isn't because I'm lazy. It's just that I kind of have a history of being right about things so when I "feel" that my instincts are correct I sometimes don't take the time to doubt myself. Most of the time this works in my favor but when I am freshly off of training at a new job I have to remember to curb this behavior just a little bit. I still assume that I'm right most of the time but unless I can see it in writing somewhere I just quietly think my right thoughts and don't say them out loud unless I check with a supervisor. That's what the hold button is for.

Monday, November 14, 2011

One of the Rules

In case you wondering I didn't work out at all on Sunday because on Saturday night I drank so much that I had to puke. On Sunday I was useless, but on the upside I barely ate anything. It has been a good long while since that has happened. Over a year.  Before it was just coincidence but now I am instating a rule for myself that I am only allowed to get puking drunk once a year, if at all. Also, whatever alcohol it was that did the trick is off the menu for a while. This instance was interesting, because was happened was that a friend of the family's came over with the idea of having some wine and chatting with my parents and I. So the more we talked the more we drank and the more we drank the more we talked and before we knew what was what several bottles of wine were gone and we were cracking into the liquor cabinet. Out came the rum and the midori melon liquer. I can never stay mad at white wine so I'm going to put the blame on the rum this time. Luckily, I know for a fact that I am not incapable of getting that drunk on dark and/or expensive beer because I can't drink it fast enough or afford very much of it so my trip to Boston/NYC next weekend isn't in too much trouble. In the mean time I'm going to take a little break from the sauce. If you need me to do any complicated problem solving now would be the time.

A couple rules in writing:
 In regards to drinking related vomit:

-If I have puked in the past year it is unacceptable for me to drink aggressively.

-If I have puked within the last 7 days and I tell you this, and you still try to get me to do shots, I am going flick you in the temple.

-If I have puked in the last 7 days and you try to get me to drink Tequila of any kind I am going to punch you in the sternum.

In general:

-I have outgrown whatever impulse used to tell me that PBR and other comparable beers are worth it. 

-Margaritas are not my idea of an awesome time because A)I don't like tequila and B)I don't like slushies.

-If a party leaves your floor sticky and you're not in college you could probably be making better choices.

-I always prefer Grapefruit juice to Orange juice both in mixing cocktails and in general life.

-I'm a sipper, not a chugger. Get off my dick about it already.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Morning VS. Evening Workouts

In a quest for a healthy routine I have yet to decide whether I prefer to workout in the morning before my day has begun or in the evening when my day has ended. Because I am only working three days a week right now I have allowed myself those days as off days or light core and stretching days. This I always do in the evening after I've showered and before I go to bed. For all out sweat-til-I-stink shred sessions, though, there are certain pros and cons to take into consideration.

If I exercise first thing and then shower right afterward it is a great way to wake up and get going and then be free to pursue the day as I wish. I always feel really good on days when I workout in the morning. The downfalls here are that sometimes I am tired and cranky in the morning and coffee messes with my stomach. Usually if I can just make myself workout in spite of my morning brain's objections I end up perking up and having a productive workout. Getting to that point can be difficult, though, when I know I'll have time to workout later. Another issue is that I always need to shower after a good workout and depending on what my plans for the day involve it is sometimes possible that I would have to shower twice in one day if I work out in the morning. This isn't the end of the world, but it bothers me.

When I work out in the evening it is usually before dinner, and preferably before cocktail hour. I am never too tired to workout in the evening on days when I don't work early and I think I tend to be more motivated to push my limits in the evening. A good workout followed by a long shower followed by comfy sweats and a glass of wine is one of my favorite small pleasures in life. The downfall here is that if I am out later than say, 6:00 PM,  or if I am in charge of cooking dinner and it's something time consuming, I sometimes lose motivation and skip right to the wine bit. Then there are the times when I get home and I just really want a drink and it's only 4:30 and the idea of waiting 'til after a workout and a shower is more than I can cope with. When I have a drink at 4:30 it usually means that I've had a trying day and am done being productive, whether I realize it or not.

Tonight was an evening workout night and I am in my softest, baggiest sweatpants and hoodie, I'm still  warm from my shower, and my quads are  slightly tingly in a well-worked but also well-stretched kind of way. It's pretty great. I almost didn't work out tonight though. My dad and I spent most of today trekking up rt 100 between Waterbury and Morrisville (with a detour to Hyde Park) looking for an affordable, not hideous sleeper sofa that is big enough to fit two people but not too big to fit in a smallish space. It was just looking at couches and I wasn't driving and we only made three stops but for some reason this kind of thing makes me crave hard liquor mixed with more hard liquor. I refrained, though, and now I'm feeling quite pleased with myself.

What I am trying to decide is when I want to work out tomorrow. I like to keep a consistent schedule but I don't really know what I'll be doing tomorrow so working out in the morning seems like a safer bet. I'm considering working out twice and making the morning something that doesn't demand a shower afterward so at least I won't feel completely shitty if I don't end up working out later. If it were warmer out I would run in the morning, do a quick jump in and out kind of shower thing but I just don't run outside in November. It makes my throat feel like its bleeding and despite the fact that I've devoted an entry blog entry to exercising I'm not actually a fitness freak. I just don't want to get fat and there are other ways to accomplish that than forcing myself to go running.I actually enjoy weight training and resistance cardio and I really DON'T like running so unless I'm getting fit for soccer I really don't feel the need to go there. The ski season will be here soon enough and because of my race background I can't turn in a way that isn't a workout unless I'm skiing bumps but then that's even more of a workout in a different way. To summarize: Fuck running. Actually that wasn't really my point. It was just one piece of information that goes into my decision making process. Seriously though, fuck running.

Now I will drink wine and try to devise tomorrow's itinerary. As soon as the mountain opens and I start working the waffle hut I'll be down to only 1 day off a week so I feel it's necessary to be proactively self-indulgent on my days off in the meantime.

Here is a picture from when I was in much better shape than I am at the moment. In my current defense this was after my freshman year at college when I had no personal income, spent a lot of time worrying (stress kills my appetite) and a meal plan that mostly depended on the cafeterias which A)didn't have any food that I ever wanted more than a tiny bit of B) did not hold hours which were congruent to my strange sleep patterns and C)served food that may or may not have contained potent laxatives. Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have never boxed as a means of exercise. I was just posing with the gloves because I fancied they made me look badass.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Exisistential Implications of Living At Home

Because this is my first time living at home full-time since highschool, certain parts of my brain seem to have reverted to various states in my psychological development. For instance I often have dreams about missing the bus and being late to school. What you should know is that I never took the bus in high school because I went to private school and there were no buses. I never took the bus in middle school because my father worked at the school I attended. I rarely took the bus in the later years of Elementary school because my school was on the way to the school where my father worked. So what is the deal, brain? Can't you dream about being late for work? Must I dream of the schoolbus, an image so essentially linked to my early childhood? What gives?

People from high school to whom I haven't spoken in years have also begun appearing in my dreams. I run into them in a random place and they tell me that they have always hated me, or that I really hurt their feelings but won't tell me what I did. In one of these cases I followed up in real life on facebook and asked the person if they have ever hated me and they said no, but I resent the dream none-the-less.

Another side effect of living at home, or maybe of just having too much free time, is that I seem to be revisiting my hyper-existential phase, circa 2004. I'll be lying in bed listening to audiobooks with one hand on the opposite shoulder and I'll start thinking things like "wow my shoulder feels weird. Everyone has shoulders. Mine are just MY SHOULDERS. That is weird. How weird is it that I even exist. Tooootally weird. I wonder if everyone else thinks its weird that they exist, too. What if they don't? What if I'm the only one who thinks this way. Oh god. OH GOD.  What if I think too hard about this and go crazy. What if I'm already crazy and I'm going to wake up in a padded room?..". Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera. This was my default mode when I was a sophomore in high school and that was fine. I really didn't have anything better to be doing with my brain but these days I have to get sleep so I can wake up and be good at my job and it's just not convenient to be worrying about how weird my shoulders are. And if I happen to start thinking about my cardiovascular system, or my lymphnodes, or even my bladder? Forget about it.

One important thing I've done this summer is get my hair back to what I think is my natural hair color. In 8th grade I bleached it out completely white and dyed it pink and I never really stopped dying it from that point on. Then this summer I decided I was going to revert. I'd been doing dark reddish brown for about a year so I had to bleach it again and then dye it darker and then wait for it to grow and then try to match my roots and so far I think I got it right. As big life changes and my adulthood loom I'm  trying to improve the things about myself that are a product of bad decisions made in the past (there is more to it than hair but I don't really want to go into all of that). Not that having dyed hair is such a bad thing (I usually look awesome no matter what so it doesn't really matter) but to me it represents all of the inauthentic behavior that I've exhibited since I came into basic self-reflective consciousness (for most girls this is around 12 or 13). For a few years now I've been feeling particularly at ease with who I am and my hair was the last remaining indicator that I have any possible identity issues. That was a bit of an aside, but my point is that in the midst of my success at focusing in on my authentic self and taking the steps I feel are necessary to get to that state, it is really fucking annoying to be having dreams about missing the bus to elementary school at night, and thinking like an adolescent ding dong in my downtime. At least I have a boyfriend. Who knows what kind of mess my brain would be if I had boys to worry about. I'd probably forget that I was 23 and start finding 17 year olds attractive again. Gross.

The good news is that I am much better now at many things, such as cooking and mixing cocktails, than I was last time I was living at home so I have a few things to fall back on when I feel myself starting to think about everything in terms of how weird it is that it exists. Also, I took  Into to Philosophy, Intro to Psychology, and a Literary Theory course based on the writings of Husserl and Levinas so I pretty much have my intellectual bases covered if I really need to delve into the specifics of shoulder weirdness.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Things I know Nothing About. Episode 2: Christianity

Today's Image Brought To You BY Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal.

I have never read the bible or any other religious text other than a few short passages. I have never been to a religious service. I keep an open mind because I know that it is arrogant to do otherwise but my gut reaction to everything that organized religions have to say about the human experience is "Nope. Not true." or "Nope. Didn't happen.". I am not an atheist (arrogant) or an agnostic, exactly. My feeling is that there could be a god but I really don't care. It makes no impact on my life one way or the other. (Note: I do think that as per Occam's Razor God really isn't the best explanation of our universe because once you accept creationism you are left with the lingering questions of "Well what the fuck is it then? Where does it live? How? Why?". The Big Bang for all that we don't understand is much simpler.) I'm going to go right ahead and say that heaven and hell are obvious constructions aimed at controlling the masses and they absolutely do not exist. That's not arrogant it's just reasonable. I am going to limit my discussion here to Christianity. It would be a really long blog if I were to open up the field.

On History: In the early days of structured civilization religion made sense because medicine was terrible and in order to keep societies running people really needed some incentive to behave themselves. I don't know all of the origins to every stupid rule in Judaism or Christianity  but I will give the benefit of the doubt and assume that most of them had some logical basis once upon a time. Over time, however, because any structured system will inevitably  allow power hungry sociopaths to rise in the ranks and start making decisions, what was once a few little white lies aimed to keep people in line became a conspiracy of absolute bullshit designed to put money and power into the hands of these sociopaths. It seems to me that anyone with half a brain who took European History in High school would come to the same conclusion but, apparently, to the Faithful, history is there to be ignored.   

A few Thoughts on Things That Christians Care About:

Homosexuality: Anal sex in a time without proper plumbing or toilet paper was probably really bad for society. We have Charmin, condoms, and water free sanitizer now. Get over it.

Pre-Marital Relations: Marriage used to be a practical way to make sure that men were helping to raise their offspring. Now Marriage is more of a symbolic way to take advantage of bureaucracy. Divorce rates are too high to worry too much about it anyway. Legally men aren't allowed to knock up a lady and take no responsibility so marriage is more or less redundant in that sense.  I think it's pretty clear at this point that teaching abstinence doesn't. fucking. work.

Abortion: You're only allowed to have a problem with it if you support the proliferation of birth control. I'm pro-choice but I also believe that NOT getting pregnant isn't all that difficult.

Teaching creationism in schools: Why do we even consider this as a valid option? 

A summary of my thoughts on modern Christians:

If a person needs to believe in God to get through the day I fully support it. 
If a person takes it a little further but actually acts in the spirit of Jesus I would be an asshole to take issue with it. 
If a person believes that all of America needs to live by their Religious beliefs then that person should be kicked in the taint and sent to a walled-in commune. 
If a person uses their faith to justify hate then they should be airlifted to the top of an active volcano and left there.
If a person believes that evolution in a myth they should be sent into Gorilla territory to fend for themselves.
If a person doesn't believe in abortion or birth control they should be killed, not because I hate them so much, but because there are too many people on the planet and if we can't use birth control or have abortions than SOMEONE'S gotta take one for the team.

Final thoughts: In America it is extremely taboo to criticize someone's religious beliefs. I take issue with that. Just because you were told to believe something when you were little and didn't have a choice doesn't mean it isn't completely fucking stupid. Maybe the reason America is floundering is because we tolerate too much stupidity in the name of religion. I'm not saying it shouldn't be allowed I'm just saying I wish it were more socially acceptable to tell people on a regular basis that their belief system makes no sense.

Today's images are all courtesy of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

White People Problems!

I work in reservations for a ski resort. People get SO UPSET about tiny details of their trip..soooo upset. It's my job to make them feel better so I can take their money. Although I might seem like a unrelenting misanthrope, I am actually really good on the phone when it comes with dealing with enraged, irrational people. I am calm, I am pleasant, and I never let my sarcastic snarky side interlope on my demeanor.  My strategy is to always sound amenable but to NEVER apologize for things that aren't real problems unless they are actually my fault. I figure I can help set a standard for the customer service/hospitality industry, and that standard is one of competence, a pleasantness, and an ongoing relationship with reality. "Sir, I am SO sorry that we cannot guarantee a wood burning fireplace for your multi-thousand dollar vacation, would you be at all open to accepting a gas burning fire place instead?" is not the kind of thing you will ever hear me say. I'm not going to come right out and say that your first world problems don't matter to me, and I will do what I can to meet your needs, but if your needs are absurd I'm not going to apologize for not being able to meet them.

Here, just for the record, are things that I don't consider real problems within the context of a multi-thousand dollar ski vacation (or in any context, really):

-You can't bring your 4 piece matching set of Bernese Mountain Dogs with you.
- You may have to sleep in a Queen sized bed rather than a King
- Your toddler who is really too old not to be potty trained can't be in the ski school because we don't require our employees to wipe your kids ass.
- Your tiny sportscar might get stuck in the parking lot.
- You just beat cancer (OK so this is a real problem, but not one that requires me to book you a room when don't have any availability)
- We can't guarantee good weather for your vacation, nor will we refund the cost of your tickets if you found the conditions "a bit slick".
- You're really "more of a west coast person"

I'm sure I'll think of more of those as I gain more experience in my job. Also, I am aware that I am in fact a white person and one with a whole lot of not-so-real problems of my own, but if I started thinking that way I would be so paralyzed by the feeling that none of my complaints are justified that I would probably have to be institutionalized.

Oh and just so you know, the slope side pub being really crowded when you come in for lunch isn't a real problem, either, but I won't discount you for that one because I don't think I can stop myself from complaining about it either.

I wanted to find a funny picture to accompany this post but I searched way too long and came up with nothing so, NO PICTURE. sorry.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Getting It Over With

The time change has me a bit out of sorts and today was my first day out of training mode at work so I'm feeling a little worn out. I'm insisting on writing a blog, though, because blogging is like exercise and if I take consecutive days off I'll eventually lose steam and stop altogether. I like blogging so I'd rather that not happen. I don't have anything of particular interest to share. I worked from 8-4. I was nervous all day because I'm new at my job but it was actually really slow so I was nervous and bored at the same time. I either really need a drink or a major injection of caffeine right now. I guess it depends if I feel like I need to be productive today. I can tell that if I continue writing it's not going to be very much fun for any of us so I'll go work through these questions on my own time.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Why I Believe that Louis C.K is Important

As a 23 year old female with a healthy body image and no kids it is strange to me that I often see my own world views reflected in the comedy of Louis C.K (Including "Louie", his show on FX).  Many of his jokes revolve around masturbation, 40 something male body issues, and the general grossness of being Louis C.K. I am not middle aged and I am not a dude so I understand that this aspect of his comedy isn't really FOR me. However, Louis C.K and his television alter-ego both seem to live in a world in which nothing is sacred, and that is the same world where I spend a lot of my time. Be it sensitive race and gender issues, suicide, his ex-wifes nipples, or his daughters vagina, Louis C.K is always ready to strip away expectations of what is politically correct and present a jovial middle finger to all that is good and decent. 

Unlike other comedians I don't get the sense that his aim is to be subversive just for the sake of being subversive. In fact, I get the feeling that he doesn't really care what he may or may not be subverting through his comedy. Pointing out and exaggerating all of life's absurdities doesn't necessarily mean that he has any kind of social agenda. Then again, he might. I don't actually know him.

I know that I am not the first person on earth to find Louis C.K funny. He is a very popular comic and he has his own show and it is widely understood that he is very good at what he does. I guess my point is that his particular approach to comedy is one that I think more people should try to adopt in their approach to life whether they're trying to be funny or not. One can be happy and productive in this world without allowing important issues in life to take on such gravity that you can't get around them or see through them.

Louis C.K talks a lot about how disgusting he is. Maybe he is particularly disgusting but what he is also doing is reminding us that we are ALL disgusting. It is hard to consider humanity precious when we so frequently debase ourselves in the name of our most unrefined instincts. The inability to laugh at one's own grossness is the main cause of shame, and shame breeds all sorts of unpleansantness. I realize that many people are simply incapable of this kind of unburdened self-reflection because maybe they are Catholic or grew up In Evangelist Land or simply have no sense of humor. Those people are doomed to a life of misery one way or the other so I try not to ask about how they're going to react to things. The answer is always "Irrationally". Still, I think instead of having the President address the country every few months maybe Louis C.K should do it instead. Humanity is not precious or  sacred and neither is America. It's all in our heads and the sooner we accept these things the sooner we can get on with it and deal with what we've got instead of worrying about how great things could be.

OK. That's all. No conclusion. The End.

Someday I might do some research and actually take notes during Louie or Louis C.Ks standup and write a more formal essay about this because the more I write the more I agree with myself. This is a daily blog though and I really don't have the time to get all scholarly on you.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Melungeons and Other Things About Which Bill Bryson Taught Me

 Did you like my very awkward but grammatically correct title? I'm not a huge fan of grammar.

Bill Bryson is one of my favorite writers. I am currently reading The Lost Continent and have previously read Notes From a Small Island, I'm a Stranger Here Myself, A Walk In The Woods, In A Sunburned Country, Shakespeare: The World As A Stage,and A Short History of Nearly Everything. I have yet to get to Neither Here Nor There, The Life and Times of The Thunderbolt Kid,  At Home, and a few others. I would highly recommend everything that I've read so far.

Today in my reading I learned about the Melungeons- an Appalachian hill people of mysterious decent.  Wikipedia has all sorts of things to say about them but I'm going to give you Mr. Bryson's take. He's a smart guy and I trust him.

"The Melungeons (no one knows where the name comes from) have most of the characteristics of Europeans- blue eyes, fair hair, lanky build- but a dark, almost negroid skin coloring that is distinctly non-European. They have English family names-Brogan, Collins, Mullins- but no one, including the Melungeons themselves have any idea where they came from or what their early history might have been. They are as much a mystery as the lost settlers of Roanoke Island. Indeed, it has been suggested that they may be  the lost settlers of Roanoke."

Well, I don't know about you but I think that is pretty dern interestin'. Bryson's writing is always full of these neat little tidbits. A Short History of Nearly Everything is, in fact, almost entirely comprised of such things. For instance, and I'm just flipping to a random page here, this tidbit:

"When Emerson poetically noted that mosses favor the north side of trees )"The moss upon the forest bark, was pole-star when the night was dark") he really meant lichens, for in the nineteenth century mosses and lichens weren't distinguished. True mosses aren't actually fussy about where they grow, so they are no good as natural compasses."

I can't tell you how many years I wasted believing that I could find my way in the woods without a compass if I needed to. I mean, it was never a problem, but imagine if I had tried!

Did you know that the man who discovered Uranus wanted to name it George, but was overruled? This was in 1781. Did they not HAVE the word "anus" then?

In my personal copy, which I have leant to my boyfriend and am still hoping he'll read someday, I have post-its on every other page indicating especially interesting or amazing facts. The copy I have now is one I happened to find lying around somewhere and I can't seem to find my favorite passages so I'll leave it at that. Without quotes, however, I can tell you a few ways in which this book has changed my life:

If I allow myself to think about asteroids for too long I get really nervous.

I understand that my bipedalism is vitally connected to my intelligence so I try to take advantage of it.

I am permanently annoyed with the fact that we call Dinosaurs Dinosaurs. I always knew it was a misnomer but I didn't realize that it was one assholes fault.

I am never going deep sea diving.

I know how and why wind works, which has really cemented my resolve that natural disasters should not be referred to as "Acts of God".

I spend more that a healthy amount of time thinking about rhino sized guinea pigs.

In short, Bill Bryson books are a gift that keeps on giving and if you like my blog I highly suggest that you go read his books. Also, if you're looking for presents for me I will list here again the books I want and need:

At Home
The Life and Times of The Thunderbolt Kid
Neither Here Nor There
Made in America
Bill Bryson's African Diary
Bryson's Dictionary of Troublesome Words: A Writers Guide to Getting It Right
Bill Bryson's Dictionary for Writers and Editors
A Short History of Nearly Everything: The Illustrated Edition (Might be expensive but I'm sure you can find one used on Amazon (:  )

I will eventually buy these myself if you don't but I'll wait til next year. Books are good gifts and they can be bought used. I don't need clothes and if someone bought me used clothes I think I'd be a little sad unless it was like a vintage leather coat or something.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm An Adult, Dammit!

I am a grown ass woman (kind of) and sometimes I feel like my current circumstances relegate me to this post-adolescent netherworld in which I get no damn respect. This could be because of my baby dimples or the fact that I don't have my drivers license, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it's because people "just don't understand." Being in my 20s and living at home might seem like a retrograde move, but I'm actually doing a very sensible thing. I think it's time that someone gave me my official "Grown Up" badge already.

The facts, or the facts as I have chosen to interpret them:

Prior to this summer I have been living on my own and working to support myself since 2008.

I pay for my own vices...unless someone else is partaking as well. By vices I mean alcohol.

I am living at home because I have student loan debt and I want to save money so I can afford to go to Grad school without having to crawl into a black hole of financial obligation. I would ideally like to pursue a Masters in Corporate Communication but I still need to look into more programs.

 I am working the ski season as a seasonal employee so I don't have to quit a job as soon as it suits me and sully my reputation.

I want to move to NYC so I can set up NY residency and go to a CUNYgrad program for a reasonable cost. And because I really like it there and I like my boyfriend and all of that. I have already taken steps toward sorting out housing even though I won't be moving til next May.

I do my goddamn taxes!

I haven't shopped in the Juniors section at Macy's for like, 2 years.

I rarely feel jelous of anyone anymore.

My hair is almost completely back to it's normal color. I'll have plenty of time to dye it when I start going gray.

I am not, nor have I ever been, attracted to Justin Bieber or Taylor Lautner.

Everything on the CW is terrible.

I am willing to admit that I was a complete tool until I was about 17. 

I understand that talking about 90s television shows to any great extent other than in a 1 on 1 situation is neither interesting nor indicative of my intellect.

I don't take my menstrual cycle as license to be a complete cunt to everyone.  That being said, I sometimes find other reasons to be a complete cunt to everyone. If I didn't I would go crazy at least twice a year.

I have ads on my blog. That's smart. You should click on them. I think I just violated my terms and conditions though.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Doodles #1

I drew these while watching Felicity, but I don't think one has much to do with the other. I wanted to do something mildly creative because I have to go sort, fold and organize clothes for several hours.

Tomorrow I'm going to start taking phone calls at work. I'm still technically in training so I don't have the power to ruin anyone's life just yet but I'm still a bit nervous.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Phrases That Bother Me #1

"If There's One Thing I Can't Stand" There is always more than one thing a person can't stand

"Needless to Say" Then why are you saying it?

"In So Much As" This is a stalling phrase that people use when they don't really know what they're trying to say.

"For All Intents And Purposes"   Smacks of jargon.

"As Far As I'm Concerned" If you are beginning a sentence this way then I think you already know that you're about to spout some bullshit. I do it all the time.

That's all for now. I didn't have a very eventful day but I did move into "my" new room. There are too many errant piles of crap to be excited about it.

Random picture time.

Monday, October 31, 2011

October 31st

I already had a post called Halloween so I can't call this one that, but today is Halloween. I worked 9-5. I am wearing a hat that Phil bought in China town last year that is either a red bull, a devil monkey, or a devil bull, a red velvet shirt and a blazer. I am the 9-5 Bull. Wordplay, people.

Today was busy because tomorrow is the day that the Sugarbush college pass goes from being $319 to $419 and as we all know, college kids are lazy and love to procrastinate. Apparently they also like to get really high before trying to make large purchases because a surprising number of calls were from people who were in incapable of completing the online pass form. 
I also got to go take a look a our "luxury" accomondations today. The rooms were about as I expected but the halls smelled nice and the stonework around the elevators was comprised of rough but mica-laden granite which I thought was very pretty. These are the two major selling points as far as I'm concerned.

Last night I made eggplant and cutlets parmigianno  for my dads belated birthday dinner and it totally kicked ass.
I'm really tired today. I think Saturday night is catching up with me. At no point in the night was I unmanageably drunk but I did have 4 drinks and stay up past 2 which is not something I do very often.

Tomorrow I am finally moving into an actual room. The one we're renovating isn't done yet but my sister has agreed to move into our finished basement (don't feel too bad for her. There is a gigantic TV and a Wii down there) so I'm going into her room, which is actually my other sister's old room so when she comes home for holidays and such I'll probably be forced back onto the couch but that's OK. I just need a place to manage my belongings.

We don't normally get many trick-o-treaters but in the off chance that one shows up I guess I should be ready. My costume on saturday night was way creepier but this one is much warmer and easier. So I should go think of ways to strike terror into the hearts of small children should any happen upon our home.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Not Quite Halloween

This year for Halloween I was a Wealthy But Neglected Victorian 10 year old. My hobbies include getting a head start on my opium addiction and falling into wells. I took my inspiration from Edward Gorey illustrations. I urge you all to check him out if you never have. 

I went to Burlington tonight. A friend of mine was going to meet me but she got held up because of the snow so I wiled away the hours thoroughly committing to my costume and being wicked creepy and awkward.  First I went to Muddy Water coffee house and had one of their warm spirited beverages comprised of hot ginger cider and Jameson and some other stuff. Then I saw both bands at Nectars and had a G&T, a half hard cider half black IPA (this is really delicious), and a Rolling Rock in a can for $2.50. I think I might have left my can in the bathroom trashcan. I  didn't mean to it was just that there were no other stable surfaces and I was kind of drunk so I'm really sorry to anyone who works there. So that was my night. I'm home now and there are a bunch of actual 13 year olds in the basement and if they don't shut up soon I am going to poison each and every one of them at my next nearest convenience. It won't kill them. It will just paralyze their vocal chords until they have anything worth while to scream about. If only such a thing really existed...

Friday, October 28, 2011

Bloggin On The Go

This is my first attempt at composing a blog entirely on my iPhone 3GS. I hate it. I mean talk about first world problems, but this is haaaaaarrrrd. please excuse my poor punctuation.

Anyway the reason I'm doing this is because I'm out at one of my dads gigs and I feel like I need to be doing something. There's free wifi here at On The Rise Bakery so I might as well take advantage. Not that I don't have 3G but I don't really Like to fux with that shit.

So OK lets talk about people who can't pull their heads out of their ass long enough to name their kids in a sensible way. There are the obvious culprits like Bronx and Sayshalle, but I want to talk about people who have last names that can be first names who give their kids first names that can be last names,or in some cases, first names that are USUALLY last names. For example: Jordan Taylor. Jackson Cooper. Grayson Scott. Avery Shelley. These are not bad first names but do these parents not see the administrative nightmare that they've created? As a person whose job it is to enter information into computers I'm telling you these people are bound to hit a glitch at some point because someone entered the information backwards. Anyone who has the power to name a another person and shape their identity and future should really have to pass a logical reasoning test before putting anything on a birth certificate.

That's all I need to say about that.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Snow and Eggnog.

It snowed today which can only mean one thing: I want eggnog. Preferably eggnog mixed with Baccardi 151 and amaretto.  It also means that and I now have to shower with a space heater in the bathroom. And that I can't leave the house in crocs with no sox. Mostly, though, it means I want eggnog. The thing is eggnog is really bad for you and it's already harder to exercise this time of year because it's cold out but it's not ski season yet and I spend a lot of my spare time huddling for warmth. Also it's only October. I really can't allow myself to have eggnog anytime before thanksgiving. It's just irresponsible. I didn't really do anything today and I've been filling the eggnog sized hole in my life with gin and tonics so I'm not in much of a mood for writing. Sometimes drinking puts me MORE in a mood for writing but I've either not reached that point yet or I've already passed it. It's a fine line between uninhibited creativity and self-indulgent rambling and alcohol tends to polarize it one way or the other for me, so I'm just going to stop right here.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I don't feel like typing or thinking so here is a list of all of my past Halloween costumes...or the ones I can remember at least. Some years I just put on random shit and went as whatever. Those years are not included. They might not be in order.

Charlie Chaplin (according to my parents. I don't actually remember this one)
Pumpkin (I peed in my costume)
A dog
A Cat
Bunnicula the Vampire Bunny
Angelica from Rugrats
a "Poot" from the "My Teacher is an Alien" (I won a costume contest that year)
A Barbie in a Box
Nefertiti (NOT Cleopatra. I was studying Egypt at the time)
The Blonde Witch from Hocus Pocus
Kim Possible

Note: a few years in highschool I never dressed up because our fall musical fell on Halloween. My senior year I instituted "Emo Monday" the Monday after Halloween. So that year I was just "An Emo".


Cleopatra (borrowed elements from the 6th grade costume)
Some drunk betch
Roller Girl (with clothes)
A failed Magician
Clown Hooker

The Partially Digested Corpse of Little Red Riding Hood

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Things I know Nothing About: Episode 1

As my high school physics teacher Mr. Iverson (calling him this is an inside joke of sorts to those who went to my high school) could probably tell you, I tend not to retain information about things in which I have no sustained interest. It isn't a matter of subject difficulty. I can do math in context and I really enjoy certain aspects of science. Evolution and biological systems? Bring it. Geology? Rock on. Ask me to calculate the speed of a hypothetical object thrown at a hypothetical angle, however, and you will quickly observe a certain slack-jawed distance encroaching on my normally attentive demeanor. It's not just physics and math. There are volumes of things that I just don't care about enough to form an informed opinion on. I have decided that every so often I will dedicate a blog entry to ignorant musings on a topic that I have only peripheral knowledge of, and on which I have done no research. I will be candid. I will say a lot of completely biased, morally questionable, and undefendable things. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Today's topic: The Economy

So I'm a smart girl with a healthy smile and I've never had a problem getting a job when I needed one. I know that this isn't always be the case for a lot of people. I also know that people have babies and lawns to maintain and not everyone can afford to take any old job. Meanwhile some people have more money than anyone could possibly need. For whatever reason this doesn't bother me. Social injustices aside I don't really care what other people have as long as they aren't actively coming to my house and stealing things that I love, like my one nice pair of boots and my subscription to Netflix (OK that's not even mine. It's my parents...but you get the point).

So there are rich assholes in the world whose greed knows no bounds. When has that ever NOT been the case? We used to have lords and kings and now we have CEOs and Dick Cheney. Many would argue that because this never changes we need to do something drastic in the name of progress, hence Occupy Wall street and Occupy Burlington (I believe this to be absolute Horseshit. No one who spends any amount of time in Burlington, VT has any power to change anything, really, so just get out of the way and go to class already) and so on and so forth. I would argue, although not very enthusiastically because I actually don't think about it unless prompted, that the world is just kind of shitty like that and you're going to need to be more specific about your demands if you want things to change.

"Fuck rich people" is the general tone of the protests and I have yet to hear a coherent and rational statement about what it is that they are trying to accomplish, when they'd like it to happen by, and what will happen if it doesn't happen. I have no patience for martyrdom and self-indulgent yammering and I AM seeing a whole lot of that so my general patience for the whole thing is pretty limited. If you're thinking of answering these questions for me, please don't. I don't actually care. I'm just saying that as an uninformed observer the protest doesn't seem very effective. So here's my bottom line: My life is peachy. I feel bad for people whose lives aren't so great but I have no proof of whose shitty lives are the fault of some hedge fund manager and whose shitty lives are just a result of their own failures. It happens, you know. Some people are going to have bad jobs not because there are no better jobs but because they are not good at any better things. Also, if one has babies before one is financially able to support them that is just tough titties for one. I am in support of government programs that help feed these kids, but one should not complain about the economy being bad when the real problem is one's own decisions. Also, anyone who doesn't believe in welfare but also does not believe in birth control or abortions should be r euthanized. I am serious about that. I would protest for that if I thought it might help.

I know that some people really have just gotten a shit deal of life and I know that America still has all kinds of problems with racism and elitism and unfair things that might reduce the quality of someones life through no fault of their own. Then there are people who get up in arms because they have to buy store brand orange juice. As you might guess, orange juice is my little metaphor for moderate luxuries and convenience items that we as Americans are convinced were definitely addressed in the constitution somewhere. If you are convinced that you not only need orange juice, but specifically Tropicana, then your feelings of oppression might be somewhat out of proportion.

My favorite cocktail is Grapefruit juice and $6.00 sparkling wine (Cook's). I don't have any babies and I live with my parents so I can afford that. I guess could be sending the $10 that I spend for a few days worth of these things to someone who can't afford bread...but seriously no I'm never going to be that person. Also if I was told that I couldn't have that anymore and I had to walk six miles every day and I had to shop at goodwill I would really be O.K with that after a few minutes of pouting. It's called managing expectations and it's not that hard to do. That being said, I might want to own a home and have kids some day so I would really like to maintain or improve upon my current standard of living which means keeping my expectations high as long as it makes sense. Maybe I'll be attacked by a bear and lose my left arm, my right foot, and my uterus. Then I'd have some serious managing to do. Until then, I happen to have an education, both office and food service experience, and Internet access. Barring catastrophe I should be able to keep shopping at Kohls.

People in support of the protests have been saying things like "If you're not a multi-millionaire and you're not in support of the protests then you're on the wrong side." Just...fuck that entirely. I really don't want to go hang out in the street with a bunch of people who think in such polarized terms. I generally support protest because that's how things like civil rights and suffrage got pushed through. Distribution of wealth is a bit more of a sticky wicket (I assume...I get most of my information from the Daily Show and my New York times Twitter feed) and I think these protests in particular are just exacerbating class issues without solving any problems.

So was that good for you? Did you like that? Are going to stop being my friend now? I hope you understand the purely irreverent nature of this series and that I haven't personally offended anyone. Although if I have I think you need to have a good long think about what it actually means to be offended. You're not injured or traumatized unless you really are a whack job in need of counseling. You haven't been personally attacked. You're not sad or angry, or if you are then "offended" isn't the right word anyway. Taking offense to things is an awful waste of energy, isn't it? Why don't you have a glass of milk and go lie down.